First March Entry

Guess what? I think this is it. I think I'm in love with a guy that is 20. I never fell in love or had a boyfriend before so these feelings are new to me. I'm trying my best to get closer him, but it's actually hard to because I barely ever see him during the school day. The thing that sucks out of all this is that I don't know what he thinks about me. I think he considers me annoying. The "Love" part of my life sucks. Either I like a guy that isn't interested in me or a guy that I'm not interested in likes me. Never was there a time in my life where I loved a guy that loved me and in my opinion, it's a really sad thing. In truth, I feel like crying even as I speak because of all this.

Confusion

I'm always so confused about my feelings and emotions when it comes to the subject of "love". That might be because I've never felt it before no matter how much I wanted to. I'm almost 16 and I never fell for a guy before. Could it be because I just didn't find the one that was meant for me yet? Well, that's what I'm hoping. I'm very afraid that I'll never find true love. Ok, don't think I'm crazy for focusing on this at the age of 16. I know I should be focusing on school and not on this particular topic, but I can't help it. This is almost all I ever think about nowadays. I get sad and confused whenever my friends talk about how they've been in love before and what it feels like. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be in love with someone just because other people are in love as well. I just want to feel that way because... well...... I don't know why. I just do.


Anyway, if you do read this blog entry, feel free to give me some advice on this particular topic. :D

Egypt

   What do I think about think about this country? Well, let's just say that the moment I set foot on it's sand  I wanted to hop back onto the plane and go back home (to the USA). The first place we went to when we got there was Alexandria since that's where my dad's family lives. The streets were filled with trash and pollution and  I almost vomited from the sight and smell of it. I don't know how I handled living there for a year and a half. People and cars filled the streets along with markets that had bugs crawling all over their fruits,vegetables, and meat. We lived in our cousin's condo until our house was ready and the tap water was so dirty that it was almost undrinkable.(Actually the water is like that all over Egypt which is why we bought a filter when we moved into our house.) Anyway, that month was terrible. We spent it visiting family members and travelling all over Alexandria. The heat and smell of the pollution made me feel car sick whenever I sat into a car.


  We moved into our house in the beginning of Oct. 2010 and then started school 2 weeks later. I was surprised by how my school looked like. I've never seen anything like it. It was basically an outdoor school that was shaped like a castle. I can' think of any other way to describe it.

                                                  This is a picture of the school that I went to.


  I didn't learn anything in school while I was there nor did I make any friends. I actually spent the leisure time I had in school thinking and writing. Speaking of freetime, people in Egypt only attend school for around 6 months a year since Summer vacation is 4 months long and Winter break is 2 months long.


   The climate in the desert is...well, desert like. The average temperature during the summer is somewhere between 40-50 degrees Celcius while the average winter temperature is between 11- 15 degrees. That may seem nice for a winter day in some countries, but in Egypt, everyone's teeth, including mine once I got used to the heat there, were chattering from the cold weather. The thing I found funny was that it rained so rarely that whenever it did rain, the people started panicking from it.


  That year and a half felt like a lifetime and I'm happy I'm not there anymore. I cried alot from homesickness when I was there. The fact that I'm not in the USA yet is true, but at least I'm in Europe and not in Africa. I can't wait until the day I move back home.

I did visit the pyramids with my family and believe it or not, there wasn't anything interesting about it except the fact that the city in which it was located in was by far one of the dirtiest cities I've seen in my life. This picture above is a photo I took when I was there. Ignore the date that is shown on the right side. My camera was messed up and showed the wrong date.

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Fatherly Figure In Need

It's been a little over a year since my parents divorced and I'm happy about that. I mean, life with my dad was miserable. He was a very religious man and he forbid me from making friends, reading books, listening to music, and going out to places other than school on my own. He criticised and yelled at us everyday for any little thing that he could find. So I'm sure you get the point. I'm glad that they're divorced and I love my mom very dearly, but I miss having a fatherly figure in my life. I did have a father before, but it didn't feel like I did because of his anger issues, religiousness, and constant criticisms. One time, he told me and one of my brothers that the reason he brought us into this life was because he needed us to help him get to paradise. This hurt my feelings very badly. If you take a look at things from my point of view, I never even had a father in the first place. I want a man that I can look up to as a dad. I want a man that I can go to for advice and talk to whenever something's wrong. I want a dad that would treat my siblings and I with respect and love my mom very much. I want my family to be complete. I want my 8 year old brother and my 3 year old sister to have a father. I don't want them growing up without a male figure and getting sad whenever they see one of their friend's dads picking them up from school. I hope that my mom finds her true prince one day. I know that she's 40 and that she's not that young anymore, but she still has a chance at finding someone.

Depersonalization

What is Depersonalization? What kind of people can have this disorder? Why do some people with hardships suffer from it?  Is it dangerous? How long can it last?
These are the questions that I'm going to answer based on my experience and research.


What is Depersonalization?
From my experience and research, Depersonalization is a mental disorder that makes people go off into a self concious or dreamy state. They still know what's going around them. It's just that they notice things more and they feel as if they are dreaming. People who have this (I do) would probably say that sometimes, depending on how often this feeling occurs, they feel unreal.


What kind of people can have this disorder?
People that have a hard life, smokers, and drug users are most likely to get it.


Why do some people with hardships suffer from it?
There minds decide to go into this self concious or dreamy state which makes them feel..well, let's say mentally numb. Their minds are basically trying to protect them from mentally hurting.


Is it dangerous?
No, it's not.


How long can it last?
That actually depends on the person. Some people go through the rest of their lives with it while others might only have it for a few months.

What made me turn into the person I am today?

Life and experience is what makes people who they are. I just felt like bringing up this topic today since that's especially true for me. As a little kid, I was very shy and defenseless. I wasn't able to defend myself against bullies. I don't mean defend as in physically defend myself. I mean stepping up for myself and talking back to them when they teased me. That started changing though when I got into 8th grade. That was when my dad made us move to his home country and when he started yelling at us and making us miserable. Don't get me wrong. He did yell and hurt us mentally before, but it got much worse after he moved us to his homeland. After a time, although I was afraid of doing so at first, I started talking back to him. My mom divorced him and then we moved. Right now in school, I get along with the guys more than I do with the girls. I'm thinking that's because most of the girls are really girly and I'm not. Second of all, whenever someone says something funny that was kind of meant to hurt me, I laugh at it in front of them along with the others and then I reply with a joke that gets them laughing. I learned to not take everything seriously which is a really big thing in my opinion. Life taught me to not care about what everyone thinks about me and to be myself no matter what. This, being open with people, and being a good person are what make people want to become friends with you and respect you.

My feelings

As this is my first post, I'll start out talking about my feelings. I'm in high school and I've never had a boyfriend before. I've never even been asked out. I guess that's because I still can't find my soul mate. I know I'm still young and that I'm not supposed to be concentrating on finding my true love yet, but I really feel... lonely and in need of a male that would love and support me no matter what. This is why I listen to love songs and read historical romance novels. These things help me imagine what it would be like to be in love and have someone love you back as much. Reading and listening to music about this particular topic does sadden me, but I think it's worth it. I hope that I do find that special person one day.